I love being married. I mean I really love it and consider the fact that I have been married to the same person for 13 years (15 years together) to be one of my greatest achievements to date. Even if we end up getting divorced someday, I will still believe that I am a really good wife and had a successful marriage for as many years as possible. With that said, there is something I have learned in these many years.
Sometimes being married is boring.
When you are out there playing the field, looking for a love match, it can be exciting, and new, and you feel sexy and desired and attractive and powerful. That isn’t to say I never feel these things within my marriage. Its just that I usually don’t feel all of these feelings at the exact same time. See, being married is more than dating. It is about sharing a life with someone. It is about giving up certain demands so your partner can flourish, and your partner should do the same thing for you. It is about creating a raising a family and supporting each other in times of great pride and serious misfortune. It is about holding a pillow over your head in the middle of the night because he has the stomach flu and you can hear him retching in the bathroom, and it is about him seeing the person he loves most in the world in unfathomable pain as you push his child out of your body. It is about forgiving his annoying habits and hoping he can forgive yours. And there can be periods of great exhilaration, and of turmoil. But there can also be long periods where everything is just…….normal.
Your routine is fixed in stone, your diners are all starting to taste the same, there is nothing particularly interesting on the horizon, your work is coasting along, the kids are behaving pretty well, and life is, for lack of a better word: boring.
When I was dating boring was equated with bad. I didn’t want boring. I wanted passion! Excitement! Longing! As a wife with three kids, boring can sometimes be a good thing. It means you are doing your job well. You have finally learned how to keep your children alive without worrying you might kill them at any moment. It means you have structure and order in your life, something kids thrive on. It means you have figured out the whole chore issue and you no longer want to kill him for loading the dishwasher “wrong”. When married, boring means a job well done.
As a person of passion, I appreciate when everything is going smoothly, but part of me wants to experience some sort of thrilling emotion. So I have found ways to recreate those feelings of delight. No, I don’t go to bars and flirt with young gentlemen- though the thought has crossed my mind from time to time. I prefer to get out of the house and try something unfamiliar- like eating at a new restaurant. Another thing I do is try to get to know somebody I have just met. I have found finding friends as an adult to be fairly difficult (the topic of a future post) and the feelings of excitement are similar when I make a new girl friend as when I was searching for a boyfriend. Of course there isn’t the sexual component, but the love of a good conversation and the feeling of connecting with another human being is the same. I also find excitement by creating this blog! When I get messages from my ladies telling me how something I wrote here inspired them in some way, I get that same thrill that I used to get when catching a cute guy’s eye! There is something about having a connection with someone, whether it be physical or emotional, that thrills me to my core.
I sometimes wonder if modern society has forgotten how to be bored. I have read about couples that divorced for no other reason then they “grew apart”. First of all, don’t you recognize way before it is too late to turn back that you and your husband are on different pages? And then don’t you try to rectify that situation? And can’t you make an argument that growing apart is akin to being bored? It sounds to me like those couples are just looking for something new and exciting and think they will find that with a different partner. But as my husband says, only boring people are bored. If you need someone new to float your boat then you will never really understand how to create excitement for yourself. You will always be tethered to someone else to create that invigoration for you.
So if you find yourself bored within your marriage, try to create some excitement yourself, and I don’t mean by flirting with other men! Read a new book, try a new sport, find a new hobby, make a new friend- anything to give you a little thrill. And remember, boring just means you and your partner have done a fantastic job of creating a life with each other.
The Good Marriage Series
Part 1: How to find the right partner.
Part 2: Don’t make this marriage mistake.
Part 3: How men show affection.
Part 4: Your husband isn’t you.
Part 5: Words cause pain.
Part 6: Don’t become boring.